What I do to deserve this?

Irene, my mother in law, had surgery yesterday. I accompanied her to the hospital. As we waited in the OR preparation area, I experienced flashbacks to Bev’s first trip down that road nearly two years ago. The whole scene - IV’s, nurses, beeping monitors, and smells - kicked up memories, most not pleasant.  

Last night, in spite of my best efforts, I found myself hacking my way out of a jungle of tangled thoughts – regrets, questions, sadness, longings, and fears.  I wondered if we could have done something different that would have allowed her to live.  Did I serve her well?  I wondered, where was God? What did she/I do to deserve this? And yes, I even questioned Him – “Are You there, do you even care?”

Such thinking is common among those dealing with loss. We want explanations. Finding causes is important, too, because if we know why it happened, we can avoid the pain by eliminating or at least minimizing that thing. But, our questions often go unanswered, our search for causes are fruitless. Bev’s cancer did not come because she smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day, or because she drank to excess, or because she failed to take care of her body. She took care of herself, much more than I did, and yet cancer randomly selected her body. Why, God, did You allow this?  Life appears to be a tragic comedy, a brave but futile fight with random events- accidents, stray bullets, drunk drivers, and cancer cells that overtake healthy ones.

Faith has steadied me today. Trust has quieted the storms in my heart even though questions remain. My musings followed these paths.

When Job’s life descended into horrific loss, his friends showed up to comfort him. His suffering was so stunning that the Bible says they sat for days without speaking!  Then, one by one, they blamed Job! “It’s your fault. Admit your hidden sin. You must have done something to cause God to allow this.”  There just had to be a reason. There was, but it was not Job’s sin that caused his pain. It was God’s trust in him which allowed him to go to Hell. We get to see behind the scenes and understand that the ‘random’ events that tore up Job’s life were allowed as part of a cosmic argument between God and Satan. Job survived and faithfully held onto God through it all.

On more than one occasion Jesus’ friends saw something terrible happening and blamed the sufferer.  Of a man who was born blind they asked, “Who sinned, him or his parents?”  Jesus told them they were looking in the wrong place for answers. “This occurred so that God could get glory,” He said before He healed the man. In another passage, the disciples have apparently questioned why Pilate killed several people while they were worshiping and why some had died when a tower collapsed on them. Jesus does not explain but He warns about adopting a worldview that includes direct ‘cause and effect’ reasoning, that concludes that we are in the grip of karma! "About this time Jesus was informed that Pilate had murdered some people from Galilee as they were offering sacrifices at the Temple. “Do you think those Galileans were worse sinners than all the other people from Galilee?” Jesus asked. “Is that why they suffered? Not at all! And you will perish, too, unless you repent of your sins and turn to God. And what about the eighteen people who died when the tower in Siloam fell on them? Were they the worst sinners in Jerusalem? No, and I tell you again that unless you repent, you will perish, too.” (Luke 13:1-5, NLT)  From His words we learn that things happen that we cannot explain and that the important issue for us is our relationship to God, today.

Faith informs me that my life is part of a Plan that extended from long before I was born to long after I will die. The events that seem so random to me today will find a place in the eternal purposes of God, so I must trust Him. The great and wonderful recurring declaration of the Scripture is that God is a Redeemer, One who weaves the dark threads of my sorrow into the tapestry of life and makes something beautiful and whole. Will that happen today or tomorrow? Maybe not.  Bev’s death may never make much sense to me until I, too, become a resident of Heaven.  But, meanwhile, I know that I am not ‘getting what I deserve,’ (karma) I am a recipient of great grace. (the glory of Christian hope)

Joseph, the young son of Israel, who had vivid dreams of being used of God, found himself in one terrible situation after another. His jealous brothers sold him into slavery, ripping him away from his family and home.  His master’s wife falsely accused him of rape and he endured years in an Egyptian prison.  Men he helped along the way promised to help him and promptly forgot all about him. But, eventually all those ‘random’ circumstances came together to land him in a place as Prime Minister, a position he used to save his family.  His life was dark with sorrow for decades, but all those tragic chapters were leading to an amazing conclusion, which Joseph made possible by continuing to trust God and acting responsibly even in the most awful moments.

Will I trust Him? 
Will I remain faithful, steady in choosing obedience? 
Will I let go of the questions and demands for reasons?
By God’s grace, yes! How about you?

Make this word from the Word your song, your prayer this day. If you are walking on mountaintops, rejoice in His mercies. If you are in the dark valley, rejoice in His mercies. Wait on the Lord!

"Look at these wicked people— enjoying a life of ease while their riches multiply. Did I keep my heart pure for nothing? Did I keep myself innocent for no reason?" (Psalm 73:12-13, NLT)
"Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant— I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.  

Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. Those who desert him will perish, for you destroy those who abandon you. But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do." (Psalm 73:20-28, NLT)

__________

I Surrender All

All to Jesus, I surrender;All to Him I freely give.I will ever love and trust HimIn His presence daily live. 

All to Jesus, I surrender;Make me Savior wholly Thine.Let me feel the Holy Spirit,Truly know that Thou art mine. 

All to Jesus, I surrender;Lord, I give myself to Thee.Fill me with Thy love and powerLet Thy blessing fall on me.

 I surrender all!I surrender all!All to Thee, my blessed Savior,I surrender all!

Judson Wheeler Van DeVenter | Winfield Scott Weeden  © Words: Public Domain