Humans can be puzzling, can't they? The whys and wherefores of behavior can be difficult to discern. Getting to the real need, what's actually going on under the surface, demands patience. But, time and again in my dealing with people, I re-discover that when I take time to try to understand the needs and desires of others, to fit their actions into the context of their emotional needs, conflict is replaced with cooperation. By way of illustration I can point to my little grandsons. When they were visiting here last week, they would become hard to handle, whiny, and even defiant in the late afternoon if they didn't get a naptime. Their real need was not discipline, it was rest! Once Bev and I understood that, we became proactive in getting them to rest right after lunch. By providing for the real need, rest, we took care of much of the 'discipline' problems that otherwise appeared around 5 pm.
Stephen Covey, author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, puts consideration down as habit number 5 and states it this way - "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." He observes that most of us listen to the words of others but not empathetically, that is, to really hear them. We listen with the intent to reply. Even while they're speaking, we are starting to formulate our answer. What inevitably happens in that communication pattern? We get only part of the message before we stop listening, and the other person senses they are not being heard. The other communication problem Covey points out that keeps us from really getting the message is that we listen autobiographically. The other person's words run through our brain and get filtered through our experiences. We assume they are thinking like we think, that their attitudes are the same as our attitudes.
We can learn to listen with understanding, but it takes effort, patience, and practice. One very valuable way (though it often irritates others) is to rephrase what they are saying. We can respond like this - "So, if I understand you, you're telling me...." Or we can actually ask for clarity of the emotive content of the message, saying something like - "I hear you saying this, but it seems that you're searching for ..." If done gently, such simple techniques provide the context for consideration and understanding.
So, are you smiling at this little communication lesson? Actually, it is a basic part of Christian living to understand others in a way that allows you and me to meet their needs! Jesus said, “Do for others what you would like them to do for you. This is a summary of all that is taught in the law and the prophets." (Matthew 7:12, NLT) In another context, He said, "...you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.” (Mark 12:30-31, NLT) Imagine the kind of relationships we would enjoy IF we actually put that into practice consistently? How would it change your relationship with your spouse if you took the time to really understand, instead of expecting that your needs would always be met? How would it transform your friendships at church if you were really empathetic, making the effort to see beneath the surface?
Peter urges Christian husbands to "dwell with them (your wives) according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife." (1 Peter 3:7, KJV) The NIV says, "Be considerate." In other words, take time to listen and understand, so you can address the real needs of the person you love. The principle can be broadened to all of our relationships.
So, let's do an experiment today. When you are getting frustrated with someone or you are presented with a problem by another person, instead of letting yourself get angry, choose to become a detective.
Begin to listen carefully. Explore the situation. Pray for insight. As you uncover the real need, begin to meet it. In that action, you will be showing Christ-like love and honoring the Lord of Life, who loved us while we were still sinners, and took action to meet our greatest need.
"Lord, in a world marked by conflict,
from nations making war, to families torn apart by anger,
people who love and who bring peace are needed.
I want to be one of those people. Spirit of God, make me a peace-maker!
Fill me with wisdom and insight. Grant me patient love.
Take away harsh judgment that quickly condemns, replacing it with the gentle spirit
you showed when confronted with ordinary sinners.
Let me fulfill your royal law by loving others more than I love myself.
In the Name of Jesus, who loved me.
Amen."
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