When our kids were still home, going through that awfully wonderful time we label 'the teenage years,' halfway 'tween being a child and an adult, I reminded them repeatedly - "Trust is built over time, destroyed in a moment." I didn't expect them to be perfect, knowing full well they were human beings and thus, prone to failure, liable to make some stupid choices, and likely to succumb to peer pressure at least occasionally. (Just like me!) But I did expect them to be honest with me about the good, the bad, and the ugly - so I could trust them. There are some interesting stories about the deposits and withdrawals we all made in the 'trust' account along the way!
Every relationship in our life depends on trust, even more than love! As we interact with others - be they family members, co-workers, or business partners - we are measuring trustworthiness. Even though we love somebody, love alone is not enough to create a climate of cooperation and collaboration. Sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously, we are deciding if we can lower the gate and grant them greater access to our lives. We are making the choice, all the time, determining are they proving themselves worthy of our confidence? There are people in my life that I love wholeheartedly that I would not even let drive my car!
How do we build trust?
1. - We live with integrity.
We don't have hidden agendas or motives. We don't shade the truth to favor ourselves. We admit to our mistakes. Being around people who are deceptive and manipulative is exhausting because we always have to wonder, "What their angle? What are they really trying to do here?" Integrity - that is, being the same inside and out, in reality and appearance, is basic to gaining and keeping the trust of others.
2. - We are humble.
No, not a self-hating worm, but a person who is in touch with his/her strengths and weaknesses, who knows when he needs help and is willing to ask for it. I've occasionally tried to do something that is beyond my training or capability and failed! That failure erodes trust and when I offer to do something the next time, the question hangs in the air - "Can he, or will he mess this task up, too?"
3. - We keep our promises. It is so easy to make a promise. When somebody presses us to do something, even relatively simple, the best way to make them happy is to say, "Oh, sure, I'll do it." So, we are often likely to over-promise and under-deliver. My experience has taught me to generally expect much less from people than they say. It's not because they are morally deficient! It is because in their eagerness to please they over-promise. It is far better to say up-front, "I would like to help you with that, but I don't have the interest to follow through." We trust people who, in Jesus' words, "Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ (Matthew 5:37, NLT)
4. - We are 'other-centered.'
Nobody should trust a person who is selfish. The moment we sense that another is out for his own reputation, serving his own interest, or feathering her own nest- we withdraw our confidence and start to build walls to protect. Only the person who shows real empathy and the capacity to transcend her own interests is trustworthy.
As I told my teenage children years ago, no one lives this way ALL of the time! We fail because we're human. But, if we hope to retain the trust of others, we must own our mistakes. When we realize we have been selfish, dishonest, or egotistical - we must admit it and seek to make it right. If others fail us and we want to be able to trust them - we must speak truthfully to them, despite the possible pain involved!
One of the side-splitting scenes in the film, Meet the Parents, was when the father character, a retired CIA agent, played by Robert DeNiro is explaining the concept of the 'circle of trust' to his future son-in-law, played by Ben Stiller. As we laughed, we also sensed the truth of the concept. What made the movie a comedy was the paranoia of the father who tried to create trust with constant surveillance of the poor guy who was joining his family. Yes, we must, in the immortal words of former President Reagan, "trust and verify," but ultimately trust comes from character, not from enforcement!
I urge you to take a look at your own 'circle of trust' today. See if you're trusting people who are trustworthy. Determine if you are proving yourself a person who is able to be trusted.
And remember, God is seeking faithful people in whom He can invest eternal riches. How does He know those He can trust?
"Anyone who can be trusted in little matters can also be trusted in important matters. But anyone who is dishonest in little matters will be dishonest in important matters. If you cannot be trusted with this wicked wealth, who will trust you with true wealth?And if you cannot be trusted with what belongs to someone else, who will give you something that will be your own? You cannot be the slave of two masters. You will like one more than the other or be more loyal to one than to the other. You cannot serve God and money." (Luke 16:10-13, CEV)
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