Wanna fight?

Some of my peers would most likely disagree with my next statement, but it’s true.
I hate conflict!
But, it is part of my life; and your’s, too. If we make a decision, somebody will take issue with it. I’m still surprised when I bring an idea for doing ministry better to the church I pastor (in my opinion) that makes so much sense to me, only to find that some do not agree. Even after three decades of pastoral leadership, I have this naïve hope that the church would come to such unity of mind and purpose that conflict would disappear. But, I know that thinking people will disagree. Even loving people do! I love my wife of 35 years, but we don’t always reach the same conclusions.

As unpleasant as it is, conflict is both necessary and desirable. Some of you just disagreed with me! Why do I say this?

Conflict clarifies thinking. Each of us sees life from a limited perspective, making decisions within a framework of our own understanding. When we disagree with another and engage in conflict, we can learn if we are capable of listening. When another says, “Have you considered this by-product of your idea?” – it might well be that we never thought of it, at all.
Conflict creates closer ties. Of course, not always! Sometimes conflict turns into war with the aim of destruction! When conflict is kept honest, it allows us to know the heart and mind of another better and we grow deeper, capable of dealing with more difficult issues together. Superficial relationships keep the interaction focused only on the most basic exchanges- ‘nice day, warm out, isn’t it, how ‘bout those Yankees?’ Moving into the realm of ideas and feelings creates more contact, increasing the potential for conflict and as we go through it, more cooperation on the stuff of life that really matters.

Conflict allows for a new shared idea to be birthed. As we dialogue and disagree, make our point and listen to the argument of others, re-evaluate and adjust, often it is neither my idea nor yours that prevails. Something different emerges from the process that we both can own.

Not all disagreements lead to such great ends because not all conflict is conducted in a mature or selfless manner. Sometimes we (me, included!) allow secondary issues- personal security, pride, the need to control outcomes, a desire to win – to get stirred into the mix, creating a mess.

The Scripture gives us this directive for conflict. "Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves." (Philippians 2:3, NLT) That passage urges to let the mind of Christ be in us, adopting His humility toward others. Was He a loser? No! Was He incapable of speaking up for what was right? No, He did and they killed Him to be rid of His inconvenient Truth!

Another passage reminds that "each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry." (Ephesians 4:25-26, NIV) In addition to humility, honesty is critical. Much conflict goes off the rails when people speak in one way while concealing ulterior motives, refusing to deal with reality. God wisely tells us to limit our conflict! Resolve it, don’t bury it until another day.

Wanna fight? As long as it is something worth fighting about, let’s go! If we must have a conflict, let’s remember – it’s not about my win, or yours! If we belong to Christ, it’s about constructive conflict that builds a more intimate Church that does His work in the best way in this world.