Win at all costs?

When conflict flares up in your life, and it will, how do you understand it?
Is conflict an opportunity for growth, to reach for understanding, for realization of that others have a differing point of view?
Or is conflict a call to war?
For those who see conflict as 'war,' the only good solution in a dispute is to win by destroying the other person; not necessarily by physically eliminating them, but by tearing down their credibility, reputation, or intellect. If a person views conflict as a signal of discontent or discomfort, it becomes a call to engagement and dialogue! That said, I admit that I hate conflict. I would rather live in peaceful harmony all the time. However, I know that the one of the requirements of deep relationships is conflict!

For example, if a married couple wants to be close, they will have to work through conflict that arises as they move beyond being friends into real mutuality where each lives for the other. Bev and I share a high level of mutuality in our marriage today, serving each other with joy. To reach this level of fulfillment in our relationship, we endured moments of sharp disagreement that helped us to understand each other's needs as we do today.

When a church is moving beyond being a Christian country club where like-minded people 'hang out' to being the Body of Christ where diverse people come together to serve Christ by serving each other; along the way she will be required to work through conflict that arise out of differing priorities, perspectives, and personalities. The church I pastor is growing and is, in my opinion, in a time when managing the conflicts that arise along the way to a greater shared vision is one of my most important responsibilities as her leader.

Individually, when we choose intimacy with the Spirit of God, we will experience times of conflict when we are torn between self-will and the Spirit's demands! When we are torn up by conflicted desires, we can pray with desperate faith, "Lord, help me to know the joy of surrender to Your will and give me courage to let you lead me." And He will!

Whether conflict is destructive or constructive depends on the goal with which we enter it - winning or understanding.

Love is the key! If I love someone, I will not seek to destroy them in pursuit of a win! Neither will I retreat from them, withdrawing my presence, in an act of self-protection. The Bible says, "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, NLT) Conflict creates the context for the expression of real love! That passage makes little sense if we see no purpose in conflict. And, that passage points the way through times of conflict - patient, not selfish, rejoicing as truth emerges. The love described in the Bible is no romantic emotion flourishing in the artificial environment of perpetual "niceness." Biblical love is a choice, a way of life we choose in a world filled with conflict, often fueled by selfishness and hatred. That kind of love is terribly costly.

And how do we come to love in that way? We are loved by God and thus, we learn to love. John writes- "My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn’t know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can’t know him if you don’t love." (1 John 4:7-8, The Message) Let God love you! Thank Him for Christ Jesus and the Cross that bridges the gap that disobedience created. Thank Him for grace that invites you to be a son or daughter, not a servant. Feel His assurance of your acceptability, despite your imperfection. Invite the Holy Spirit to whisper, "I love you," into your spirit. Then, go love!

You will find that life is transformed from a constant battle to win into a struggle to overcome obstacles that block shared goals and mutual opportunities. Love will change your point of view!

In a time of conflict? How does love change the goal?
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