I'm sure that you have had someone stick their index finger in your face and place the blame for something squarely on YOU! In that moment the thing we want to do most is pay close attention and try to understand the problem, right? Not! "You" messages create instant defensiveness. If someone says to me, "You make me so ...." I am not inclined to ask why. Instead I feel threatened. Blame creates a barrier. However, if someone honestly says, "I am so....," I am more ready to try to understand their need and try to be a part of a solution..
Those of you who are as old as I am will remember the comedy sketch of Flip Wilson when he played 'Geraldine.' She would say some outrageous statement or spend too much money only to toss off the line that got a laugh every time- "The Devil made me do it." Though we see the humor in that, many of us are quite ready to blame the Devil, our boss, our spouse, our parents... you get the picture.... instead of taking responsibility for our choices. As long as we are looking for someone to point to as the 'cause' of our pain or problems, we will never be a part of constructive change, nor will others desire to work with us to make the situations better.
There's another problem with blame. Judging is involved! Life is seldom as simple as it appears. When we observe someone struggling with a life-controlling problem, there is always a temptation to point to the 'obvious' cause. My experience has taught me that 'the obvious' often is not anything remotely like the truth. People and situations are not one-dimensional; we are tangled webs of cause and effect, choice and consequence. That is why Jesus forbade those of us who would be like Him to make snap judgments about others. He said, “Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. For others will treat you as you treat them. Whatever measure you use in judging others, it will be used to measure how you are judged." Matt. 7:1-2 NLT
Be careful about accusing and blaming too quickly. Justice is lost when we rush to judgment! For an example let me use the tragedy of the life and death of Terry Schaivo. Can you stand one more word about it? This terrible tragedy's sorrow has been compounded by the shrill voices of blame and accusation that have made knowing the truth all but impossible. Is the husband the total villain some would make him out to be? I doubt that very much. Are her parents the saints that some in the media portray? Probably not. That situation was a complex one, full of human choices and conflicts, with no simple causes and no easy solutions. Only God and eternity will reveal the truth.
Our lives are much the same. We arrived at today as a result of decisions made by ourselves and others over the years, with intersecting influences of decisions made by people we don't even know. When crisis comes, it is both foolish and unproductive to demonize another as 'the reason' that we are in pain. Don't blame. Put away the pointing finger. Instead, commit to loving like Jesus loved, to seeking the wise gentleness of the Spirit that works to untie the knots that bind us to our sins.
Here's a Gospel story to ponder as you go your way today. John 8:1-11 NLT
Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives, but early the next morning he was back again at the Temple. A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them.
As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and Pharisees brought a woman they had caught in the act of adultery.
They put her in front of the crowd. “Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the very act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”
They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, stone her. But let those who have never sinned throw the first stones!” Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.
When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman.
Then Jesus stood up again and said to her, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?” “No, Lord,” she said.And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”
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"And I am changed, in the Presence of a Holy God."
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