Immeasurably More - What I've learned about grief

“Well Dad, it’s been a year. What would you tell somebody in your place about grief?” Sean asked me over breakfast. A little later, walking on a South Florida beach, I kept thinking about that question. What have I learned about grief in this year-long journey?

Grief a process not just an event.  Just like physical healing, the healing of our heart takes time. There is no miracle cure, no instant relief.  I found the rituals that surround grief so very valuable.  The day of her burial, freezing cold on top of that New Jersey mountain, helped me know that she was not coming home. The words about our hope in the One who is the Resurrection and the Life echo in my memory a stark comfort. Seeing that coffin lowered into the earth and the soil pushed over it, made me know the reality of her departure. I cannot pretend she is coming home. The funeral service where songs, tributes, and God’s Word were another step ahead.  Her birthday, trips to see the kids, Easter, my birthday, the first day of school (she taught for many years), Thanksgiving, and Christmas each came with unique reminders; each season presenting new reasons to cry and to thank God for her.

Grief is easier to endure with people- friends and family- than alone. How people go through this loss without a community is beyond me. Phone calls, emails, Facebook notes, visits with family, invites to dinner, and the ordinary interactions day in and day out with people who cared, who remembered her with me, kept me from sinking into depression. My children listened to me cry on the phone. Friends helped me to see the sunshine, and to know that there is more ahead; different but still full of promise. All of the crises of life are better endured with a circle of friends who love.  Are you loving and being loved? Don’t wait ‘til it is necessary.  Love today!

Grief opens a person to a wide array of temptations that have the potential to destroy life. Shocking? I am only human and I’ll spare you the details but suffice to say when the heart aches, there are a hundred voices that offer soothing. By the grace of God, I’m largely without regrets. I did not realize how badly a soul desires some solace when the pain feels like it will never end! When my heart was ripped open I saw, in new depth, both the beauty of His grace and the depravity of human nature. (Don’t let your imagination go too wild here, friend! Smile.)  Momentary pleasures sparkle with allure and it is so easy to fall prey to retail therapy, over-eating, toxic relationships, poor decisions. I am glad for people in my life who were ready to speak the truth to me, to remind me that God was greater than my pain, and to urge me to go steadily forward.  Be patient with those who grieve even as you encourage them to obedience to the Spirit’s leading. Don’t add shame to pain. Offer a hand or a shoulder!

Everybody’s different. I have read at least a half dozen books written by people about their grief. In each I found echoes of my own thoughts as well as things that were non-existent for me.  One man wrote of feeling the need to completely shut the door on his life with his late wife. He quickly emptied the closets, disposed of her things, sold the home they shared, and moved to a new city.  He said that it was the way he survived his grief. Good for him! But, I still have Bev’s clothes hanging in the closet and I find being in the same house, doing the same work, living with the same people a great comfort.  Remarry? Several wrote of their happiness and I am glad for them.  Perhaps that will happen for me but certainly not at this time. Some said that they chose to stop talking about their dead spouse.  I like to talk about Bev. I visit and care for her gravesite. Some never go back after the burial.  Lesson?  Other than avoiding the sinful and the toxic, we will all make the journey in ways that reflect our personality, training, and experience.

The pathway is not straight!  Each month’s passing should bring about a measurable kind of healing, a lessening of grief, right?  Not for me.  There are wonderful days, when laughter comes quickly, when my thoughts are clear for the future, when I feel great hope. Then, a day will come when the wound feels as tender as it ever did, when tears turn into sobs.  In my experience, those kinds of days are fewer with time, but they still show up.  Just before Christmas I went to our attic to look for wrapping paper and saw rolls neatly taped and stood in a corner, just like Bev left them. It was a moment of devastation that led to a day of sorrow.

The past will take on a rosy glow and you will be tempted to try to live there.  With time, Bev has become something of an angel in my memory. I forget the arguments we had and the disappointments that we struggled to overcome. I remember the brightest moments, the sweetest words.  I have to tell myself not to canonize her and to refuse to look back too often. Her life is a closed book, now in God’s hand. Mine goes on and He has, as I reminded by a dear friend, “immeasurably more” (Ephesians 3:20) for me ahead.

Sorrow has deepened my faith and tolerance for Mystery.  I still have no answer for why God allowed my wife to die. Someone asked me a day or so ago, “Aren’t you angry at God?” Honesty, no.  Puzzled by His ways?  Surely, but angry, no.  He’s God, I am not. I choose to trust Him.  The words of the Scripture fill up my mind, a deep reservoir of hope and assurance. My worship is not as experiential or emotional these days. But I can sing, “praise God from Whom All blessings flow,” with conviction and for that I am grateful.  Don’t wait for the crisis to try to create faith. There was a foundation and the storm shook the house but it stood because it rested on the Rock of my salvation.

Tears are our friends. Really what I mean is that expressing emotions is critically important. Pretending to be happy while sad twists a person’s soul into crippling condition. Ignoring the reality of loss is a sure way to get sick – in every way. God has found me in my tears, late at night in my bed, when silent tears slide onto my pillow, He whispers peace.  Yes, I have had a few friends walk away, unwilling or unable to cope with my sorrow. And, that’s fine. I bear them no ill will.  My tears have made me a more tender man with a much greater capacity for love and greater patience. So, yes, tears are my friends and they fall from my eyes without any shame.

Do I know it all? Of course not. 
Will everyone’s pathway through grief look like mine? No.

But those are my ‘take aways’ in year one. Sorrow is a common experience among us humans, as much as we try to avoid it. But, we serve a God who is loving and good, the God of all comfort.

As we look into 2017, here is the benediction that blesses me. May it bless you as you receive the Word of God.  "I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (Ephesians 3:16-21, NIV)

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Good, Good Father

I've heard a thousand storiesOf what they think You’re likeBut I've heard the tender whisperOf love in the dead of nightYou tell me that You’re pleasedAnd that I'm never alone

 You're a Good Good FatherIt's who You areIt's who You areIt's who You areAnd I'm loved by YouIt's who I amIt's who I amIt's who I am

 I've seen many searching for answersFar and wideBut I know we're all searching for answersOnly You provideBecause You know just what we needBefore we say a word 

You are perfect in all of Your waysYou are perfect in all of Your waysYou are perfect in all of Your ways to us

 Love so undeniable I can hardly speakPeace so unexplainable I can hardly thinkAs You call me deeper stillAs You call me deeper stillAs You call me deeper stillInto love love love

Anthony Brown | Pat Barrett © 2014 Capitol CMG Paragon (Admin. by Capitol CMG Publishing)Common Hymnal Publishing (Admin. by Capitol CMG Publishing)Housefires Sounds (Admin. by Capitol CMG Publishing)sixsteps Music (Admin. by Capitol CMG Publishing) CCLI License # 810055

Making 2017 the Best!

“Just think, son!” is a line that is used by every parent at one time or another especially during that transition time from child to adult that we call ‘teen age.’ Failure to understand consequences, is a nearly universal trait.  Teens will often take terrible risks, acting on an impulse. The smashed car, fractured limb, or broken heart is evidence of the yet undeveloped frontal lobes of the brain that will eventually make it possible for him to connect cause and effect!  “Just stop and think,” we beg them, not realizing that they are still in development.  Few of us do not have some regrets about things we did on the way through that developmental wilderness.

As we come to the end of another year, might our Father in Heaven be saying to us, “Just think!” as He implores us to choose wisely? How easily we slip into the grasp of our emotions, our appetites, failing to exercise the powers of our thought processes so that we live wisely and honorably. The Psalmist prays "With all my heart I want your blessings. Be merciful as you promised. I pondered the direction of my life, and I turned to follow your laws." (Psalm 119:58-59, NLT)

Taking some time to evaluate at year’s end is always a beneficial choice. Ask the hard questions about how the way you are using resources of time, money, and health.  Are there places in your life where you are letting yourself slide, making excuses for not getting focused on truly important issues?  Are you  putting off something that needs to be done today?  Where do the things of the Spirit find a place in your day to day activities?  The Proverb tells us to "Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest." (Proverbs 6:6-8, NIV)  

A first step to true wisdom is to give ourselves to the guidance of the Holy Spirit, inviting Christ Jesus not only to be our Savior, but also to be our King! Surrender is hard. Acknowledging that we need to be guided, accepting that His ways, revealed in the Scripture, are superior to our ways is an ongoing choice.  

That must be followed by a choice to ‘keep step with the Spirit’ (Gal. 5:25)  Time spent in contemplative prayer and with the Word is a critical part of knowing His leadership. “Jerry, I just do not have that kind of time,” you may insist. In fact, you do.  It does not require hours. It does demand focus, clarity, and willingness to persist in practice until you learn the skill of hearing His voice.  15 minutes of time with the Lord each morning will most certainly produce the richest results for your life.  A person who learns to experience His Presence will hunger for that time with eager anticipation.  " As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before him?" (Psalm 42:1-2, NLT)  Being in the company of other disciples engaged in true worship, in discovery, hearing solid teaching of spiritual truths will always be a priority for mature disciples. The richest practice and experience of Christianity cannot be found outside of Christ’s Body.

One of the pernicious lies of our time is that we are victims of our emotions, desires, and impulses. “I’ll just die if I don’t have that piece of cake,” we say without any sense of silliness.  Many Christians tragically live as slaves to their bodies, unwilling to learn how to say no to indulgence of ‘the flesh’ so that they can say ‘Yes,’ to the Spirit’s call.  An evidence of the mature life of God’s Spirit is self-discipline.  “Just think!”

As we close out this year, tally up the wins and losses of your life.  Be rigorous in evaluating where you need to make the choice to live the best way for the glory of God.

Here is a word from the Word.  Soak your mind in the promise. “Previously, you let yourselves be slaves to impurity and lawlessness, which led ever deeper into sin. Now you must give yourselves to be slaves to righteous living so that you will become holy. When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the obligation to do right. And what was the result? You are now ashamed of the things you used to do, things that end in eternal doom. But now you are free from the power of sin and have become slaves of God. Now you do those things that lead to holiness and result in eternal life.”  (Romans 6:19-22)

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Father, open my eyes to truth.
Give me courage to face You without excuses.
Help me to think, to take the grace You offer to live a holy life.
Teach me to love the things You love,
To find the Life You desire for me,
To walk faithfully.

Jesus, be my Lord.
Spirit, be my guide.
Amen

A Mission to Bring Joy!

Yesterday I took a keyboard to Good Shepherd Christian Academy, the school that is associated with our church, for the weekly chapel. The students, especially the little ones, love when I play for them. Their little eyes sparkled as they stared up at me. We sang “Go, Tell It On the Mountain.” My heart overflowed when little voices flowed back to me, high-pitched with excitement. I left that time with a greater desire to be a messenger of joy.

Christmas is the account of how God creates the possibility of joy; "for all the people!"  "I bring you good news of great joy," the angel reassured a group of frightened men, shepherds who were seeing the strangest sight ever.  An angel in the sky over a field outside of Bethlehem was talking with them! Shepherds of that day were a rough lot, earthy men. They were almost certainly not well versed in the prophetic texts. They were not very observant of the Law. And still God choose to make His announcement to them. Accidentally? Did the angels get lost on their way to the home of the mayor of Bethlehem? No, of course not. God's desire was to bring all people - shepherds from the field - and wise men from the East - to worship the Savior. And in that worship, they found joy.

Even in the middle of my own sorrow (12/29 will be the first anniversary of my wife’s death) I want to carry the Spiritual fruit of joy to others. Oh yes, there will be a little happiness this year that come from sharing gifts with those I love. When I join my children next week we will make merry!  But, my mission is to be a messenger of  the joy of the Lord.

Every day I encounter those who need much more than a hearty, “Merry Christmas” greeting.  Bent under the weight of life, problems, dysfunction, or meaningless existence – only a realization of God's love which was announced by angels and demonstrated by a Baby born in stable will change their sorrow to joy. They won't be 'fixed' by a gift or a happy song. Only in God can we all find the reason for real joy, a hope that is bigger than any set of circumstances in this world.

I invite you to join me in this mission! "Hey, Jerry, we're no angels." Right you are!
But we are ambassadors of the Heavenly Kingdom.  God said so. We have the awesome privilege of leading others to Him, sharing with them the Hope we have found. 
Give JOY this Christmas.

A word from the Word, urges us to this high calling.
" God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We’re Christ’s representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God’s work of making things right between them. We’re speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he’s already a friend with you. How? you say. In Christ. God put the wrong on him who never did anything wrong, so we could be put right with God. " (2 Corinthians 5:18-21, The Message)

If you're reading this today and you do not have real joy (not to confused with transient happiness), let me point you to Jesus. He came to be our Savior, to close the gap between the Father and ourselves. He came to give us the gift of eternal life, which we can own now, while we wait for the Second Advent of our King. Tell Him your deepest need, yes, in your own words, your own way. Ask Him to help you. His answer may not come in the way you expect, but He will come to you. He promises!

(Want to know more about choosing the joy of Jesus? Click here – Two Ways To Live)

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Angels we have heard on high,
Sweetly singing o'er the plains;
And the mountains in reply,
Echoing their joyous strains.
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Shepherds, why this jubilee?
Why your joyous strains prolong?
Say what may the tidings be;
Which inspire your heav'nly song?
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Come to Bethlehem and see,
Him whose birth the angels sing;
Come adore on bended knee,
Christ the Lord, the newborn King.
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
Gloria, in excelsis Deo!

Angels We Have Heard On High
Chadwick, James / Barnes, Edward Shippen
© Public Domain CCLI License No. 810055

CWTW will be sporadically sent until Tuesday, 1/3/2017. 
I will be taking a break. Thanks for reading along.

Even the Angels are talking!

Buzz! It’s what happens when something catches on, gains attention, and creates anticipation.  Nothing helps a local business like creating a conversation that spreads as in “Hey, have you been to that coffee shop down on Clematis? You have to check it out!” A positive buzz brings increased customer flow and profit. Unlike advertising which is the communication of a message designed to sell, buzz grows out of the experience of people and is usually more authentic.  

Did you know that God invests His gift of grace to people in His Church to create a ‘buzz’ among the angels?  (You’re smiling!)  Check out what Paul wrote about this. "God’s purpose in all this was to use the church to display his wisdom in its rich variety to all the unseen rulers and authorities in the heavenly places." (Ephesians 3:10, NLT)  A paraphrase of the Scripture, The Message, puts it this way: "Through followers of Jesus like yourselves gathered in churches, this extraordinary plan of God is becoming known and talked about even among the angels!" (Ephesians 3:10, The Message)  

Imagine the powerful spirit beings of Heaven gathering ‘round to talk about Faith Discovery Church. “Gabriel, did you see what that little group of people did in their region? Have you noticed how they care for one another, the difference they are making in their corner of the earth?  It’s amazing. They are not rich, their numbers are not great. Yet, they are making Jesus’ Name known.”  Dream that, friend!  
It’s not that far-fetched.  When Christ is Lord, where the Spirit is invited to empower, where people are desiring God – He is “able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus.”  (Eph 3:20-21)  There it is again – His reputation is enhanced and He gets the praise (buzz!) when the church is being who He created her to be.

Christian, let’s begin to pray bigger prayers, not to become famous, but to make His Name glorious on earth and in Heaven. Let’s ask God to do something in us and through us that gets the angels talking. Make no mistake about what that means. It isn’t about a grand musical Christmas show. Impressive to some, perhaps, but not the core mission of the Church.  It is surely not about building a huge organization that generates huge streams of revenue to enrich some leader.  It is about seeing lives changed, hope shared, hungry people fed (physically and spiritually),  evil defeated, and disciples made. God helping us, let’s give those angels something to talk about.

 "Hallelujah! Praise God from heaven, praise him from the mountaintops;Praise him, all you his angels, praise him, all you his warriors,Praise him, sun and moon, praise him, you morning stars;Praise him, high heaven, praise him, heavenly rain clouds;Praise, oh let them praise the name of God— he spoke the word, and there they were! 

…Earth’s kings and all races, leaders and important people,Robust men and women in their prime, and yes, graybeards and little children.Let them praise the name of God— it’s the only Name worth praising.

His radiance exceeds anything in earth and sky; 
he’s built a monument—his very own people!Praise from all who love God! 
Israel’s children, intimate friends of God. Hallelujah!"  (Psalm 148, The Message)