Shot through the heart

For a year I watched the arrow of death’s sorrow coming at me in slow motion, yet I could not dodge it! I thought was prepared for the impact, but when Dad died two weeks ago, a pain unlike any other sliced through me. A bleeding wound remains. Sometimes I forget about it for a while, then a memory is triggered and the stabbing hurt re-surfaces. There have been no tears since his memorial, though I wish I could cry! It is difficult to focus and even when I try I feel as though I am living in fog, seeing familiar outlines but there are no defined edges.

Most of my life I have managed my emotions, experiencing them, but not allowing them to rule me. Now my heart full of turbulence. Sorrow refuses to be contained and intrudes on my life at unexpected moments. My grief shows up in other strange ways, too. Earlier in the week, I realized I was trying to ‘fix’ everything around me, straightening up my desk, cleaning up messes, obsessing over details at work, etc. It was clear that I was trying to set things right. Anger flashes out of me at inappropriate moments, too. Hopefully, I won’t do too much damage to others before this thunderstorm in my heart subsides.

Interaction with people, normally not hard for me, is very difficult right now, too. I can feel their uncertainty. Do they acknowledge the obvious and attempt an expression of comfort, “Sorry for your loss,” which reminds me of my pain or do they try for normal, “Hi, how ya doing? Nice day, isn’t it?” and risk appearing insensitive? I feel badly for them because I’m not sure which is best at any given moment, either. The most intuitive person I’ve met was a young teenage boy who saw me coming and hugged me as he said, “Life sucks for you right now, doesn’t it?” What a kid! (Forgive his slang. For the young that word doesn’t have the connotations it carries for those of us over 45. Sucks is just a synonym for bad!)

Most adults try hard to empathize and only end up making me say things I don’t want to say yet again. “Well, his suffering is over.” True enough, but I would still like him with us! “He’s home in Heaven now.” Yes, I believe that, too, but it doesn’t do a whole lot for my sense of loss! Truthfully, explanations are unnecessary. Empathy is enough.

There are two things that are clearer to me since Dad died.

First is that life is really short! We need not be morbid about our mortality, but we are fools to attempt to ignore it. Solomon’s wisdom is compelling. "Don’t let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your Creator. Honor him in your youth before you grow old and say, “Life is not pleasant anymore.” … Yes, remember your Creator now while you are young, before the silver cord of life snaps and the golden bowl is broken. Don’t wait until the water jar is smashed at the spring and the pulley is broken at the well. For then the dust will return to the earth, and the spirit will return to God who gave it." … "That’s the whole story. Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty. God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad." (Ecclesiastes 12:1, 6-7, 13-14, NLT)

Second is that friends matter! Being with people, even though interactions are sometimes strained, lets me experience love. That teenage kid loved me in his unique kid way and it was healing. Life goes on and seeing others functioning, hearing them laugh, listening to the superficial chatter of daily life, carries me forward, too. Again Solomon wisdom is good. "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, NIV)

Jesus Christ taught us that life boils down to two things:
“Love God wholeheartedly; and love others like you love yourself.” How true! If our life course is set by those two boundaries, the big stuff will work out.

Again, I want to thank you for letting me walk my journey with you! Last week, many of you wrote to tell me that sharing my thoughts about this was no burden, so I did it again today. God bless you, friends.
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As I journey thro’ the land, singing as I go,
Pointing souls to Calvary—to the crimson flow,
Many arrows pierce my soul from without, within;
But my Lord leads me on, thro’ Him I must win.

When in service for my Lord dark may be the night,
But I’ll cling more close to Him, He will give me light;
Satan’s snares may vex my soul, turn my tho’ts aside;
But my Lord goes ahead, leads whate’er betide.

When in valleys low I look tow’rd the mountain height,
And behold my Savior there, leading in the fight,
With a tender hand outstretched tow’rd the valley low,
Guiding me, I can see, as I onward go.

Oh, I want to see Him, look upon His face,
There to sing forever of His saving grace;
On the streets of glory let me lift my voice,
Cares all past, home at last, ever to rejoice.

Rufus Cornelius
Public Domain