Yesterday brought me some disappointment. The development (I cannot write about details because of issues of pastoral confidentiality) is painful for me both personally and professionally and creates a set of leadership challenges for me to deal with in our congregation. I wrestled with the problem for most of the day. I am determined that I will not allow the actions of someone else to determine my reaction. A long time ago I learned that while I cannot control others, God has given me freedom to choose not to engage in the self-defeating behaviors of a victim when I am handed a set-back. What are they? They take many forms, but almost all involve making short term choices for comfort that lead to long-term negative consequences.
I could become vindictive and attack those who have disappointed me. It might feel good in the moment that I gave vent to my anger, but that would just stir up another set of problems which I would then have to solve!
I could sink into self-pity and sulk, making it all about my feelings. "How could they do this to me?" That would only cause me to delay dealing with the real issues involved which are much bigger than my feelings.
I could indulge myself with a shopping spree, or too much food, or some other distraction, but there are many downsides in those choices that are obvious to me!
I could look for a scapegoat, someone to focus my anger on or to blame for the situation. Nothing is accomplished by this except to create a wider circle of problems.
When life goes wrong for you, do you allow yourself to engage in self-defeating behavior or lock into self-defeating thought patterns? We will all experience disappointment as a result of the actions of other people and we will all fail someone, sometime, and somewhere! We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. We have an Enemy who exploits every situation as much as he can to break relationships, to make us feel helpless or alone, to tempt us to the choices of a victim. Christ Jesus, whose Spirit lives in those who are His, offers us a different way to live. Take a look. "Christ lives in you. So you are alive because God has accepted you... My dear friends, we must not live to satisfy our desires. If you do, you will die. But you will live, if by the help of God’s Spirit you say "No" to your desires. Only those people who are led by God’s Spirit are his children." (Romans 8:10, 12-14, CEV)
I am not a victim of circumstances because my Lord Jesus Christ lifts me above them! Because am no longer in the grip of an old sinful nature, I can choose to respond, to solve the problem instead of magnifying it. Take a look at this empowering promise God gives to us. "The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death. " (Romans 8:2, The Message) "Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn’t pleased at being ignored. But if God himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won’t know what we’re talking about." (Romans 8:6-9, The Message)
Choosing to live as a mature spiritual person instead of a self-indulgent child, isn't natural, nor is it ever easy, but it is always right!
So what do we do when disappointment and/or disillusionment comes our way?
First, take it to the Lord in prayer! Seek His wisdom, insight, and the gift of courage to deal with it.
Second, seek a solution. Let God lead you - by the Spirit, with the wisdom of the Word, and through the counsel of trusted friends - to change what needs to change, to reconcile what needs to be reconciled.
Third, learn to accept those things beyond your control with grace. We can spend more time than necessary or helpful trying to make the world around us fit into our expectations. Or, we can realize when it time to move forward leaving things we cannot change in the hands of God, trusting His promise to ultimately use all things to work for our good!
Reinhold Neibuhr penned a prayer that has come to be called the Serenity Prayer. It circulates in various forms, rewritten and reworked because he never sought a copy right for this work. I use it frequently when dealing with disappointing circumstances and encourage you to pray it - sincerely - often, too.
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
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